The Pope’s Surprise

Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."
St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God.
Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.
They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"

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Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

A Victor was out playing golf with his good friend John. After a few holes John was getting frustrated as he was not that good a golfer. 
Finally  when  he  missed an easy putt he blurted out, "Damn, I missed the bugger!".
The Victor said, "Now John, you must be careful as God may punish you if you say that again." 
On the next hole the Victor stand close to John offering quiet support. As John missed an even easier putt he shouted "Damn, I missed the bugger!"
Suddenly, there was a large clapp of thunder and a lightning bolt pierced the air and killed the Victor.
And a voice from the sky said, "Damn, I missed the bugger!"

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A flash flood swept over an area, stranding a man in his house. As the water rose, a rescue team came by in a boat.
"Get  in," the rescuers said. "We'll take you to safety. "No," said  the man. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me."
The rains continued and soon the man was forced up onto his roof to avoid drowning. Soon, another boat came by. "Sir, please get in," the rescuers in this boat said. "The waters are rising. We'll take you to safety. "No," said the man again. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me."
The boat left, and soon the man was barely able to keep his head  bove the water. The water became rougher and a helicopter was dispatched to save the man. "We'll lower a rope. Get in the copter!" yelled the rescuers from above. "The water shows no sign of abating. You're sure to drown!" Once again, the man refused. "I have faith in the Lord," he said calmly. "He will save me."
Eventually, the man did, in fact, drown. When he got to heaven, he saw the Lord and approached him. "What happened?" asked the man. I had faith that you would save me from drowning. Why didn't you?"
"Hey," replied the Lord. "I sent two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

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The Church

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

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Sinless

Jesus Christ walks up to an angry mob that is stoning a harlot.
He steps into the fray and calls out in a commanding voice: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Shamefaced, the crowd stops and begins to slink away. Suddenly, a woman shrieks, "Stone her!", and the mob starts again with the frenzied stoning.
Christ, chagrined, goes to the woman and says: "Damn it, Mom, I hate it when you do that.."  

The List

This fella passed away, and arrives at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter is waiting there to check him in. The guy questions St. Peter as to how he determines who gets in and who doesn't.

"Frankly," St. Peter replies, "we rely a lot on the list we get from Santa Claus."

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Outcome-based Ethics

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"

St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

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Plus sign

Johnny was having trouble in math, so his parents sent him to catholic private school. On the first day he came rushing back home and started working furiously on his math. He did the same after supper.
His mother was impressed and commented to him, "Wow, Johnny, you're really working hard!"
Johnny looked up and said, "Well, when I went in there and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I just knew they weren't messing around."    

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No Kidding

No Kidding