Hinduism/Buddhism Jokes

Change comes from within

The old joke.
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and asks:
“Make me one with everything.”
Given the hotdog, he pays and later asks:
“Where’s my change?”
To which the vendor replies:
“Change comes from within.”

Time is a bitch

The other day, I saw this old lady looking at me through a window on the street, and I felt bad for her, you know?
I waved at her, and she waved back at me, and then I realized that was just my reflection. It was just me and my old beef jerky face.
Why does time do that to faces?


Schizophrenic Zen Buddhist

Q: How do you describe a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
A: A man who is at two with the universe.

Yonder Shore

A student is on one side of a raging river. There are no bridges. He has no boat.
He shouts out to the master on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The master shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

Buddhist Jokes

What did one Zen practitioner give to another for their birthday? ......... Nothing.

Someone sent the Buddha a gift box tied with a ribbon. Buddha opened it to find it empty. “Aha!”, he said, “Just what I wanted. Nothing!”

What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday? ....... May you have many happy returns.

What did one Zen practitioner give to another for their birthday? ......... Nothing.

What did one Zen practitioner give to another for their birthday? ......... Nothing.

A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma."

A paratrooper was scared to jump. His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be saved."
The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out and saved him.
He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped.



Image source: Multiple sources  

Glory, Glory, Halleluiah!

A priest is giving a young nun a lift home from church one day,
and as he’s shifting gears,
he rests his hand on the nun’s knee,
The young nun looked up at the priest and says,
“Father, remember Luke 14:10.”
The priest withdraws his hand, embarrassed.
Next time, they stop at a light,
He places his hand a little higher up on her thigh,
Again the nun says, “Remember Luke 14:10, Father .”
The priest apologizes,
“The flesh is weak,” he says.
So he drops her off, and when he gets home,
He reaches for his Bible and he flips to Luke 14:10.
Anyone know what it says? Hmm?
What does it say?
“Friend, come up higher, then shalt thou have glory!

________ Know your subject, people!
Failure to do so may result in the loss of a golden opportunity.


A Russian Joke

An American, a Hindu, and a Russian land in Purgatory.
A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?"

The American steps forward. "Alright, you've got three hours to prepare yourself." The American puts on a full-body Kevlar outfit, gets into a tank, drives it into a concrete bunker, the bunker is covered with 15 feet of dirt and inch-thick titanium plates.
The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! The titanium and the dirt are gone. SNAP! The bunker and tank are gone. SNAP! The American howls in pain, the ground opens up under his feet and he drops straight to Hell. "Next!", says the angel.

The Hindu steps forward. "You've got three hours to prepare yourself."
"I need only five minutes. I have studied Yoga all my life and can make myself immune to all pain."
The Hindu gets into a lotus position, hums mantras for a few minutes, and rises a couple of inches off the ground.
The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! The Hindu is completely unfazed. "Hmm, impressive. Alright, you're free to go."
"Thank you, but only after I see how this last one makes it out of this", says the Hindu, looking at the Russian. "Your call", says the angel.

The angel turns to the Russian: "What are you going to shield yourself with?"
"With the Hindu, of course."