Funny jokes


Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says, Does this taste funny to you?


Either way

Either way

#1: Either way

Image source: photobucket.com: Either way

Even a 3-dimensional world is visual illusion

Even a 3-dimensional world is visual illusion

#2: Even a 3-dimensional world is visual illusion

Image source: photobucket.com: The consequence

The boss

The boss

#3: The boss"

Image source: photobucket.com: The boss

Gun law

Gun law

#4: Gun law
God created men and women ......
Samuel Colt made them equal.

Image source: photobucket.com: Gun law


Easter joke

Easter joke

#5: Easter joke

Image source: flickr.com: Easter joke

wife

wife

#6: wife

Image source: flickr.com: wife

Comic horse

Comic horse

#7: Comic horse"   (copy)

Image source: flickr.com: Comic horse

Silly joke:count the fingers

Silly joke:count the fingers

#8: Silly joke:count the fingers

Image source: flickr.com: Silly joke:count the fingers


 

Silly Jokes

Lincoln was shot at Ford's Theater. John F. Kennedy was shot in a Ford Lincoln. Gerald Ford was shot at, but they missed.

The Three Horsemen- Why the long face?
The Three Horsemen - - Why the long face?

A  horse  walks  in  to  a  bar.  The  bartender  says: "Why  the  long  face?"
Celine Dion walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"
"As you know, earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby."
-- Peyton Manning took aim at Ann Coulter at the Comedy Central Roast on Aug 29, 2016.  

There were three guys. They each were asked to name something green, pink and yellow.
The first guy said "my shirt is green, my tie is pink and my pants are yellow".
The second guy said "the grass is green, the sun is yellow and my door is pink."
The third guy said "the phone goes 'green green', I pink it up and say 'yellow'".    

WISHES (By Shadow)

WISHES (By Shadow)

#9: WISHES (By Shadow)

Image source: media.photobucket.com/ jshadow3

wife

wife

#10: Money Isn't Everything...

Image source: www.graphicsgrotto.com


 

Her WISH

Her wISH

#11: Her WISH

Image source: www.graphicsgrotto.com

When veggie jokes aren't appropriate.

When veggie jokes aren't appropriate.

#12: When veggie jokes aren't appropriate.

Image source: www.flickr.com/ jelene


 


 

World's funniest joke

World's funniest joke

The world's funniest joke is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research.


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip,
and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey for you."

Source: en.wikipedia.org: World's funniest joke
More winning jokes at LaughLab site

Killer Joke : The Funniest Joke in the World

From the television show Monty Python's Flying Circus.
During World War II, Ernest Scribbler, a British "manufacturer of jokes" (Michael Palin), creates "the funniest joke in the world" and promptly dies laughing. His mother (Eric Idle) reads the joke, at first believing it to be a suicide note, and also dies laughing. A Scotland Yard inspector (Graham Chapman) retrieves the joke, but despite the playing of somber music on gramophone records and the chanting of laments by fellow policemen to create a depressing mood, also dies laughing.
The British Army test the joke on Salisbury Plain, then translate it into German. Each translator only translates one word of the joke, so as not to be killed by reading the whole joke. One of them saw two words of the joke and had to spend a few weeks in hospital. This German version is said to be "over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke", a reference to Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain and the Munich Agreement. The nonsensical German translation is used for the first time on 8 July 1944 in the Ardennes, causing German soldiers to fall down dead from laughter:
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
(This "German" contains a number of nonsense words, and does not translate into anything meaningful.)
In the version of the sketch featured in And Now For Something Completely Different, another scene of the joke being used in open warfare is shown, with Tommies running through an open field amid artillery fire shouting the joke at the Germans, who die laughing in response. Afterward, a German field hospital is shown with Germans in blood-stained bandages, laughing incessantly.
In a following scene, a British officer from the Joke Brigade (Michael Palin) has been taken prisoner and is being interrogated and tortured by Nazi Gestapo officers. The torturing is completely benign, the interrogator fake-slapping him, and another officer clapping his hands to make the slap noise, but the prisoner is eventually persuaded to recite the joke after being tickled. One of the Nazi officers (Graham Chapman) erupts in laughter and dies. The second (John Cleese) retorts "Zat's not funny!" but then he too starts to giggle hysterically before falling down dead. Another captor (Terry Gilliam) notices the two deceased officers and points his gun at Palin, who recites the joke to the captor, who is also killed by the joke.
The Germans attempt counter-jokes. Eventually their best joke is used in action ("There were zwei peanuts, walking down the straße, und one was a salted... peanut"), but proves in English to be hopelessly bad. The British joke is laid to rest when "peace broke out" at the end of the war as countries agree to a Joke Warfare ban at the Geneva convention. The last paper copy of the joke is under a monument bearing the inscription "To the Unknown Joke"
. A story that ran for several weeks in the Sunday comics of Li'l Abner during 1967 concerned the creation of a joke, never actually revealed, that was so funny that anyone who heard it immediately died laughing. For safety reasons, government agents somehow decided to keep the joke hidden in the protective custody of Abner Yokum. Meanwhile, comedian Bob Hope learns of the existence of this "Funniest Joke in the World", but not about its deadly effects, and decides that he wants to recite it on his next television show. He procures the joke from Abner, and the government agents learn of this development too late to prevent him from reading it on national television. It turns out, however, that before Bob Hope obtained the joke from him, Abner had read the joke, not understood it, and substituted his own favourite joke. It is this joke that Bob Hope reads on the air, to no harmful effect whatsoever.

Source: en.wikipedia.org: The Funniest Joke in the World

 

The sound of silence.

This is a logical quiz, not a blonde joke.


A blonde went to see her doctor and said: "Please help me, Doc, I can't stop passing gas."



Blonde bombardment

"How long have you had this problem?" Ask the doctor. The blonde answered: "It has been three days and it happens quite often, Doc. As a matter of fact, I have broken wind five times since I sat on this chair. Thank goodness they make no sound and do not stink, otherwise I'd be so embarrassed, and I'd rather die."

The doctor examined the patient, gave her a prescription and told her to come back in one week.

The blonde came back a week later and complained: "The pills you gave me didn't work at all, Doc, and the problem is getting worse.
I am still passing gases as often. Although they are still silent but they now stink. Please tell me honestly whether you can help me, Doc?"

"Of course I can help you," replied the doctor. He wrote another prescription and said: "Contrary to what you think, the pills I gave you worked very well. Now take this second medication and come back next week."

Questions: What is the logical explanation for the doctor's conclusion that the first medication works and what is the second medication for?



  

Answer: The first medication did clear the blonde's sinus condition and restore her sense of smell.
The second medication is for her hearing problem.



There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunks replies, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."  


A courageous captain

This is a pirate's bullshit story.


A courageous captain with red shirt

The lookout sees a pirate ship sailing their way.
The captain shouts to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt !"
The first mate brings the red shirt and the captain puts it on.
And when the pirates try to board, the brave captain leads his men to victory.
A few days later, the lookout screams, "Two pirate ships !"
The crew is shivering like scared mice.
But the courageous captain hollers, "Bring me my red shirt !"
After the battle, the first mate asks,
"Captain, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replies, "So that if I am stabbed, you will not see me bleed."
The next morning the lookout screams, "10 pirate ships! We are surrounded !"
The crew goes silent. They all look to their brave captain,
waiting for his usual command.
Calm as ever, the captain bellows................."Bring me my brown pants !"


The General's New Clothes

Preparing for an imminent, decisive battle, the General calls his experienced, trustworthy aid over for advice.
"I am undecided as to what color uniform to wear" he says, "what did the great generals in history wear to their most important battles?"
"Well" the aid says, "Napoleon for example wore a red uniform, so just in case he was injured, his men would not notice and keep fighting along with him".
"Very well, then" says the general after a moment of contemplation, staring deep in thought at his reflection in the mirror, "bring me my brown uniform".

Source: www.reddit.com   www.tumblr.com  

 

Male Bonding

MALE BONDING

Image source: Multiple sources

Q & A jokes

jokes

Image source: media.photobucket.com

"What kind of murderer has moral fibre?" - "A cereal killer."

What do you call an italian with a rubber toe? - "Roberto."    

 

 

 

Funny Animals

Talking Horse

This is subtle, sophisticated baseball joke.

One day, Ted Williams (batting average of .344) is hanging around at Fenway Park.
And this horse walks up and says, "I want to play for the Sox ..."
So, Ted's like, "Okay, what can you do?"
And the horse says, "I can hit just like you, only a whole lot better".
So he picks up a bat with his teeth and Ted's like, "Okay".
And he throws him a few and sure enough ... gone, gone, ... into the bleachers.
So, Ted's like, "What else can you do?"
And the horse says, "Well, I can play shortstop".
So Ted hits him a few ground balls and sure enough ...
The horse is a vacuum cleaner.
So Ted's like, "can you pitch?"
.....
And the horse just looks at him and say, "Pitch?"
"Who ever heard of a horse pitching?"


Talking Dog

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him.
The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out."
"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.
"Listen, pal..." says the bartender. "Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?"
"Ruff!" exclaims the dog.
"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender.
"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
"Ruth!" barked the dog.
"Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street.
Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"


To tell the weather

Go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's  probably  windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT    


Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began  to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"    

The Buffalo Theory

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Source: From the Tv comedy show "Cheers", as Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.


Monkey

A woman was walking down the street one day when she happened to see a man holding a monkey.
The woman asked the man, “Where did you find that monkey?”
The man answered, “In the street. Why?”
The woman said, “You should take him to the zoo.“
The man said, “That’s a good idea.”

The next day the woman saw the man with the monkey again.
She said, “I thought you were going to take him to the zoo.”
The man answered, “Oh, I did, and he really enjoyed it. So today I’m going to take him to the movies.”


Monkeys

A man buys two monkeys. those monkeys multiply and soon he's got 10 monkeys.
The city gets wind of it and threatens heavy fines if he doesn't get rid of the monkeys.
So the man calls his cousin Pedro and offers him $50.00 to take the monkeys to the zoo.
A couple of hours pass, Pedro calls and asks for fifty MORE dollars!
The man says "listen, i just gave you $50.00 to take them to the zoo".
Pedro says "yes, but now they want to go to the movies!".


Lobster

Man walking down the street meets a friend who has a lobster tucked under his arm.
"Are you taking that lobster home to dinner?" he asks.
"No," says friend, "he's had his dinner and now I'm taking him to the pictures".


That's Slow

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream.  
They sat down and were  about to start when father tortoise said, "I think it's going to rain, Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umberella?"
So off went Junior for father's umberella, but three days later he still hadn't returned."
I think, dear," said mother tortoise to father tortoise," that we had better eat Juniors ice cream before it melts."
And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."

       

Sheep

A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks the butcher "Have you got a sheep's head?".
"No", replies the butcher, "it's just the way I part my hair".    


Panda

A hungry panda went into a bar and, without ordering a drink, demanded a bowl of free bar­snacks.
The bartender refused: "Those snacks are for paying patrons."
So the panda grabbed the nearest bowl, gobbled up all the snacks.
Then he pulled out a revolver, shot the bartender dead, and stalked out.
The patrons all asked each other "Who was  hat masked maurader?"
The quiet little guy at the end of the bar calmly answered: "That was a panda. He eats shoots and leaves."


Beware of the big dog

One man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog.
One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite", another man replies "No, my dog doesn't"
One man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured one.
"Thats not my dog", replied the another.    

 

 

Docters and Patients

Maurice was 70 years old and makes an appointment to see his doctor. His doctor asks him a few questions.
"Mr Levy, what about urination? Do you have any problems?"
Maurice replies, "No doctor, it’s very regular, every morning at precisely 7am."
"And what about your bowel movements?"
Maurice replies, "They’re fine also doctor, every morning at precisely 8am."
The doctor asks, "So then why did you come to see me, Mr Levy?"
Maurice replies, "Oy, doctor, I don’t wake up before 10am."

Source: Multiple sources  


Doctor: "You'll live to be 60."
Patient: "But I am 60."
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"



Sam is recovering from a recent heart attack and goes to visit Dr Myers, his cardiologist.
After a full check up, Dr Myers tells Sam that he will be able to resume his sex life as soon as he can climb two flights of stairs without getting out of breath.
Sam says, “OK, but what if I only look for women who live on the ground floor?"

Source: Multiple sources  


A man wakes up in hospital.
  "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
"I know," replies the doctor, "We had to amputate your arms."     



A woman telephoned the Middlesex Hospital.
"Hello, I'd like to talk to someone who can give me some up-to-date information about one of your patients."
The operator said, "Please hold while I find someone who can help."
Soon, an authoritative voice said, "I’m the hospital manager. Are you the lady who is asking about one of our patients?"
"Yes," she replied, "I'd like to know exactly how Rifka Levy in Room 23 is doing." He replied, "Levy, now let me see…Lewis, Levine, Levy… yes, I have Mrs Levy’s details here. It says she is doing very well. She's eaten two full meals and her doctor says if she continues improving, he is going to release her on Tuesday. Is that the information you need?"
The woman said, "Yes, it’s wonderful news that she's going home on Tuesday. I'm so happy."
The manager then asked, "From your excitement, you must be one of Mrs Levy’s close family."
She says, "What close family? I am Rifka Levy. My doctor won’t tell me anything.”

Source: Multiple sources  



"Doctor!" said the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an opthalmologist?"
"No," replied the patient, "just spots."    

Jacob says to his doctor, "Doctor, my wife needs an appendix operation."
His doctor says, "But I took out your wife’s appendix only a year ago. I’ve never heard of a second appendix?"
Jacob replies, "Maybe doctor, but have you ever heard of a second wife?"

Source: Multiple sources  


Shlomo goes to Doctor Lewis for a check up.
After extensive tests Doctor Lewis tells him, "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
Shlomo is dumbstruck. After a while he replies, "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill."
"Ok," says Doctor Lewis, "I'll give you a year to live."


Bernard thinks he has a medical problem and goes to see Doctor Myers about it.
When he gets there, Bernard says, "Docta, Docta, I've got a problem. Every time I eat beets, I sh*t beets. Every time I eat carrots, I sh*t carrots and every time I eat potatoes, I sh*t potatoes. Docta, Docta, you’ve got to help me. I’m so worried - vot should I do?"
Doctor Myers immediately answers, "So, eat sh*t "


A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air.
A psychotic is one who lives in it.
A psychiatrist is the one who collects the rent!


The painless invention

The time had arrived for Moshe to take his Leah to hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor told them that he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than Moshe had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, Moshe felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. Moshe was still feeling fine. The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
Moshe continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out Leah considerably, Moshe encouraged the doctor to transfer aLL the pain to him. Leah delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
Leah and Moshe were ecstatic. When they got home, they found their milkman dead at their front door.

Source: Multiple sources  


Empathy

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of interns.
"As you  can see the patient is limping because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael,  what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," said the intern, "I suppose I'd limp too."    


PATIENT: doctor doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!  DOCTOR: Just a Minute.    

 

 

Motorcycle

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no.
See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen. And I could just have his motorcycle. — Riki Lindhome, from Anthony Jeselnik


GABS

Moshe returns to Israel following a trip to China and is feeling very ill. When his doctor examines him, Moshe is rushed to hospital for tests and then placed in a private room in the isolation ward to await the results. Moshe has been there no more than a few hours when the phone by Moshe’s bed rings.
"This is your doctor speaking," says the voice on the phone, "I now have the results of your tests and I'm sorry to have to tell you that you have an extremely contagious disease known as GABS. I can't see you in person – in fact no one can. That’s why I’m using the phone."
"GABS?" gasps Moshe, "What is that. What does it mean?"
"Well," says his doctor, GABS is a disease combining Gonorrhoea, AIDS, Bird Flu and Syphilis It can be deadly if not treated quickly."
"Oy veh, doctor," screams Moshe, "how are you going to treat me?"
"Well, we're going to keep you in isolation and put you on a strict diet of slices of worsht, fried egg, matzo and kichels." says the doctor.
"Will they cure me?" asks Moshe.
"Not really," replies the doctor, "but those are the only foods we can slide under the door."

Source: Multiple sources  


Complimentary

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint.
Then he hears little voices saying things like 'Oooh, you look really nice' and 'That haircut really suits you'.
He tells the barman about it who says 'Just ignore it, it's the peanuts, they're complimentary'.  


Cream or Milk

A man walks into a pub where everybody else is having coffee with cream.
"I would like a coffee. No cream on it."
"Sorry, we ran out of cream. Could it be with no milk?"


Identical

A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amahl."
The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan."
Years later,  Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl.
Her husband responds, "But they are identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl.




The man is super

A man on a business trip is staying in a high-‐rise hotel with a bar on the top floor. 
After checking in and seeing his room, he decides to go upstairs. There's only one other patron in the bar.
The businessman orders a drink and then watches in surprise as the other patron quickly eats an orange, chugs his beer, and jumps out the window.
A minute later, the man returns. The businessman is shocked to see him again eat an orange, chug his beer and then jump out the window.  
When the man returns a third time, the businessman decides he can do this, too.
He eats an orange, chugs his beer, then jumps out the window to his death.
The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."  

 


Can you count?

Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't.    




The Manager

A man in a balloon calls down to a fellow on the ground. "Where am I?", he asks.
"You're in a balloon", the fellow replies. "You must be a software engineer, says the man in the balloon  -­‐  "for  where  else  could  I  receive  such  a  useless, yet technically correct answer?"
The fellow on the ground yells back: "Very good guess! I am a software engineer - you must be a manager!"
The startled man in the balloon admits this is true and asks  ow the fellow on the ground knew this.
"Because you don't know where you are, or where you are going, and are still in the same situation you were before asking for my help - but now you've somehow managed to make it my fault", the fellow replied.    

The ghost story

One dark foggy night, I was walking alone on a narrow country road when out of the fog appeared a small car moving very slowly - and  with  no  sound!
I jumped to the side of the road but as it drew level, it stopped!
Through the windows I could see no­one - no driver, nothing.
I looked closer and then opened the passenger door (I was on that side) and braced myself to climb in. Immediately the car started to move again, just as slowly! 
I froze, kneeling on the seat clutching its back. Moments later the car stopped and I almost fell out.
As I scrambled to my feet, the ghostly, shambling figure of a man drifted towards me out of the fog and I screamed out "Oh, god, there's something wrong about this car!"
The shadowy figure stopped. It gasped, and then a voice croaked "I know, I've been pushing it for half a mile!"                                                      .      




Skeleton
Image sources: Multiple sources

Skeleton

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
No  guts.



A skeleton walks into a pub and says,
"Give me a beer ......... and a mop."    



PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. "One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boycame riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me." "One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard!!Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me." "One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' the truth." "Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence, tighter. and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town, A full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.




The Lawyer Joke

A truckdriver saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
"No problem, Father, I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.
But even though he was sure he missed the lawyer he still heard a loud "THUMP". 
He glanced in his mirrors and when he didnÌt see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"    

 


"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"
"Absolutely! What's the second question?"    

 

God will Provide: A Classic Jewish Joke

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I am a Torah scholar.” he replies.
“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”
The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God!”


The Cow From Minsk: A Classic Jewish Joke

A little town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles but they could get a cow from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream and everybody loved this cow. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and said, "Ok, why did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Sources: www.haruth.com   www.jewishhumorcentral.com   www.gluckman.com  

Sex on Shabbat: A Non-classic Jewish Joke

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister... a married man, experienced..for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"
The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it.


A Silly Jewish Joke

There's an elderly Jewish man with a much younger girlfriend, who he can't satisfy sexually. So, he decides to see his rabbi for advice.
The rabbi says, 'Next time you make love, employ a handsome, muscular young man to stand by your bed, vigorously swinging a towel above his head the entire time. That should do the trick.'
So the Jewish man hires a really fit male model for the night and then has sex with his girlfriend while the male model stands next to their bed, vigorously swinging a towel above his head. Nothing happens.
The model politely suggests that the two men swap places, so that the model has sex with the girl and the Jewish man swings the towel.
They swap places and, within two minutes of having sex with the muscular male model, the girl has multiple orgasms.
The Jewish man looks at the model and says, 'See? That's how you swing a towel!'

 

 

Blonde Jokes

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.



Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........
and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"



A man leans over to the lady next to him in a dark restaurant and asks,"Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"
The lady replies,"Before you tell me that joke you should know that I'm blonde,6 feet tall and a champion body builder,and the lady sitting next to me is blonde,6'2",and a professional wrestler,and the woman next to her is blonde,6'5",and kick boxing champion of the world."
"So do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
He thought about it for a moment and said, "Nah,not if I'm gonna' have to explain it three times."



The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"



A blonde Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months… box said '2-4 years!'



A blonde tried to go water skiing…couldn't find a lake with a slope.



A blonde lost breast stroke swimming competition…learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!



A  blonde  goes  to  the  doctor  and  says  "Doctor,  it  hurts  when  I  do  this",  and  raises  her  arm. 
"Well,  don't  do  it  then",  says  the  doctor.    



A middle aged blonde decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the blonde says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
She replies, "I guess about 29."
The blonde replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you!."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of blonde. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said,” Okay, okay,...how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the blonde says, "That was incredible,...how could you tell?"
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"No", she said.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'


The blonde bombshell

There were three people in an airplane. one throws out a banana, another throws an apple, and the last throws a grenade. They get out of the plane and go for a walk.
First they came upon a boy who was crying because a banana fell out of the sky and killed his dog.
Next they came upon a girl who was crying because an apple fell out of the sky and killed her cat.
Finally, they came upon a blonde who was laughing her *** off. They asked her why she was laughing so hard, and she replied, "Well, I farted, and the building behind me blew up!"


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'

 

 

Battle of the sexes

Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.



Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.



Q: What do toys and your wife's breasts have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids but end up in the wrong hands.



Q: How do you know when your wife is going to say something intelligent?
A: When her first words are, "My husband once told me....."



Q: Why does the pope still thinks he's always right?
A: Because he has no wife to change his mind.



Q: What's the difference between your husband and a condom?
A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!



Q: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
A: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.



Q: Why do only 10 percent of husbands make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.



Q: Why can't your husband get mad cow disease?
A: Because he is a pig.



Q: Why is it difficult to find a husband who is sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.



Q: What do toilet seats, anniversaries and birthdays have in common? A: Husbands miss all of them!



I promised that I would buy my wife a Jaguar for her birthday this year. It should now be ready to give to her.
I think not feeding it for 3 weeks should do the trick.



I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm but she said that she doesn't like to call me at work.



If your wife complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.. Take her to the Gas Station.



Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you." Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."



Wife: Why are you home so early? Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.




Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.




Pain

Most women say that there is nothing as painful as giving birth!
But what about a kick in the balls?
After awhile, a woman may say: "Why don't we have another baby?"
But have you ever heard a man say: "Alright, why don't you kick me in the balls one more time?"



Insurance

An Insurance Assesor is at a wedding reception, and asks the bride; "So this is your fourth husband?", "Yes, that's right", she replied.
"Can I ask what happened to your first husband?". "Oh, very sad, he died quite suddenly".
"Oh, I aM sorry, what happened?". "He unfortunately ate some poisoned mushrooms and passed away. The insurance paid out, of course, but it can never really compensate".
"That's terrible, what happened to the second husband?". "Another tragic case, he too, ate some poisoned mushrooms and passed away. The money didn't compensate for his loss".  
By now, the Assessor was very suspicious, and asked; "Did your third husband die from ingesting poisoned mushrooms?".
"Oh no", she stated, "He died from a fractured skull!".
"My word, I AM VERY sorry... How did he get that?". "Well, he wouldn't eat the mushrooms!!!"



Better than deaf

The officer asks, "Did you know your wife fell out of your car a kilometre back?".
A smile creeps onto the man's face and he exclaims, "Thank God! I thought I was going deaf!"    



Love Bites

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
The wife said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting..”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later the wife said: “Then you used to kiss me..”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck…”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked..
“To get my teeth!”



Poison Love

A worried man goes to see his priest. "Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow,  then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man comes to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison".    



Lucky Man

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.
One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we  ost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What dear?" she  asked gently. "I think you're bad luck."



Men Strike Back

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

Men vs Women


Men vs Womenr

Image source: photobucket.com



Men’s Rules for Women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question...
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see only in 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping....
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!



Wishing  Well

A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.
The guy says, "Wow, it really works."



Payday

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.



Poison Love

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a gal from Teton, Idaho. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, weeds chopped, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.



Poison Love

A worried man goes to see his priest. "Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow,  then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man comes to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison".    



Lucky Man

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.
One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we  ost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What dear?" she  asked gently. "I think you're bad luck."



Men Are Just Happier People.

  • What do you expect from such simple creatures?
• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is "just too icky".
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
• No wonder men are happier.



CREATION

  A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 

 

Politically Incorrect Jokes

The dwarf and the midget

What did the dwarf say when asked for five schillings?
“Apologies, I’m a trifle short”. (British version)

What did the midget say when I asked him for a dollar?
"Sorry, I'm a little short". (American version)

What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.

The key to writing midget jokes is keeping them short.

Why do midgets always laugh when playing soccer?
The grass tickles their balls.!

What do you call a poor midget?
Short changed.

Why shouldn't you hire a midget chef?
The steaks are too high.

What did the doctor say to the midget?
You just have to be a little patient.

Why are most midgets good guys?
Because they don't look down on people.

Short people are oppressed.
They’re always getting overlooked.

I was walking down the street yesterday when I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf.
I don’t know how anyone could stoop so low.

CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Fat jokes

A guy is standing on the bathroom scales desperately sucking in his stomach.
“That’s not going to help,” says his wife.
“Yes,it will,” replies the man. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!

What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller.

How do you seduce a fat woman?
Piece of cake.

Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.

My boyfriend hates it when I make jokes about his weight.
He needs to lighten up.

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year.
Only 13 to go.

The United States is historically remarkable for being the first nation with obese poor people.

 

Deaf Jokes.

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"



The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The hood asks the interpreter, "What did he say?"
The interpreter quickly says, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"



A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At the man's next appointment, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."



Three hard of hearing dudes are standing on a street corner.
First hard of hearing dude says, "Brrrrr, it's windy!"
Second one says, "No...it's Thursday."
Third one says, "Me too, let's go get a drink."



Two elderly gentlemen were talking. One says, "Boy, this new hearing aid I got works great! I can hear everything now."
The other one says, "That's wonderful! What kind is it?"
"It's a quarter past two."    



A man tells his buddy, "I got a new hearing aid, the best money can buy. It's state of the art."
His buddy asks, "What kind is it?"
The man replies, "A quarter to twelve."



Deaf Jokes.

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he Was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"



An old man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.
The doctor enters the examination room and says to the man, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR."



After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid.
The audiologist confirmed it. "How much do they cost?" he asked her.
"As you might expect," she said, "There's quite a wide range. They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Wow, the low end is lower than I would have ever guessed!" he said. "Let's see the $2.00 model."
The woman gave a knowing nod, and pulled it out of the closest drawer. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," she said.
"How does it work?" the man asked.
"Oh now, come on! For $2.00 it doesn't work!" she said.
"I don't understand," the man said, but the woman had heard that before.
"When people see it on you," she said, "they know to talk louder."



The doctor gave me some medicine for my hearing loss and told me to put two drops a day in my beer.
I've been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven't noticed any improvement.



 

Old People Jokes

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night, we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What was the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes," the man said.
He then turned towards the kitchen  and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we  went to last night?"



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had  hared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.  
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?".    

With age comes wisdom.

This guy is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'