Talking Horse

This is subtle, sophisticated baseball joke.

One day, Ted Williams (batting average of .344) is hanging around at Fenway Park.
And this horse walks up and says, "I want to play for the Sox ..."
So, Ted's like, "Okay, what can you do?"
And the horse says, "I can hit just like you, only a whole lot better".
So he picks up a bat with his teeth and Ted's like, "Okay".
And he throws him a few and sure enough ... gone, gone, ... into the bleachers.
So, Ted's like, "What else can you do?"
And the horse says, "Well, I can play shortstop".
So Ted hits him a few ground balls and sure enough ...
The horse is a vacuum cleaner.
So Ted's like, "can you pitch?"
.....
And the horse just looks at him and say, "Pitch?"
"Who ever heard of a horse pitching?"

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Talking Dog

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him.
The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out."
"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.
"Listen, pal..." says the bartender. "Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?"
"Ruff!" exclaims the dog.
"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender.
"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
"Ruth!" barked the dog.
"Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street.
Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"

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To tell the weather

Go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's  probably  windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT    

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Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began  to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"    

The Buffalo Theory

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Source: From the Tv comedy show "Cheers", as Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

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Monkey

A woman was walking down the street one day when she happened to see a man holding a monkey.
The woman asked the man, “Where did you find that monkey?”
The man answered, “In the street. Why?”
The woman said, “You should take him to the zoo.“
The man said, “That’s a good idea.”

The next day the woman saw the man with the monkey again.
She said, “I thought you were going to take him to the zoo.”
The man answered, “Oh, I did, and he really enjoyed it. So today I’m going to take him to the movies.”

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Monkeys

A man buys two monkeys. those monkeys multiply and soon he's got 10 monkeys.
The city gets wind of it and threatens heavy fines if he doesn't get rid of the monkeys.
So the man calls his cousin Pedro and offers him $50.00 to take the monkeys to the zoo.
A couple of hours pass, Pedro calls and asks for fifty MORE dollars!
The man says "listen, i just gave you $50.00 to take them to the zoo".
Pedro says "yes, but now they want to go to the movies!".

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Lobster

Man walking down the street meets a friend who has a lobster tucked under his arm.
"Are you taking that lobster home to dinner?" he asks.
"No," says friend, "he's had his dinner and now I'm taking him to the pictures".

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That's Slow

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream.  
They sat down and were  about to start when father tortoise said, "I think it's going to rain, Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umberella?"
So off went Junior for father's umberella, but three days later he still hadn't returned."
I think, dear," said mother tortoise to father tortoise," that we had better eat Juniors ice cream before it melts."
And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."

       

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Sheep

A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks the butcher "Have you got a sheep's head?".
"No", replies the butcher, "it's just the way I part my hair".    

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Panda

A hungry panda went into a bar and, without ordering a drink, demanded a bowl of free bar­snacks.
The bartender refused: "Those snacks are for paying patrons."
So the panda grabbed the nearest bowl, gobbled up all the snacks.
Then he pulled out a revolver, shot the bartender dead, and stalked out.
The patrons all asked each other "Who was  hat masked maurader?"
The quiet little guy at the end of the bar calmly answered: "That was a panda. He eats shoots and leaves."

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Beware of the big dog

One man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog.
One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite", another man replies "No, my dog doesn't"
One man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured one.
"Thats not my dog", replied the another.    

Maurice was 70 years old and makes an appointment to see his doctor. His doctor asks him a few questions.
"Mr Levy, what about urination? Do you have any problems?"
Maurice replies, "No doctor, it’s very regular, every morning at precisely 7am."
"And what about your bowel movements?"
Maurice replies, "They’re fine also doctor, every morning at precisely 8am."
The doctor asks, "So then why did you come to see me, Mr Levy?"
Maurice replies, "Oy, doctor, I don’t wake up before 10am."

Source: Multiple sources  

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Doctor: "You'll live to be 60."
Patient: "But I am 60."
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

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Sam is recovering from a recent heart attack and goes to visit Dr Myers, his cardiologist.
After a full check up, Dr Myers tells Sam that he will be able to resume his sex life as soon as he can climb two flights of stairs without getting out of breath.
Sam says, “OK, but what if I only look for women who live on the ground floor?"

Source: Multiple sources  

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A man wakes up in hospital.
  "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
"I know," replies the doctor, "We had to amputate your arms."     

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A woman telephoned the Middlesex Hospital.
"Hello, I'd like to talk to someone who can give me some up-to-date information about one of your patients."
The operator said, "Please hold while I find someone who can help."
Soon, an authoritative voice said, "I’m the hospital manager. Are you the lady who is asking about one of our patients?"
"Yes," she replied, "I'd like to know exactly how Rifka Levy in Room 23 is doing." He replied, "Levy, now let me see…Lewis, Levine, Levy… yes, I have Mrs Levy’s details here. It says she is doing very well. She's eaten two full meals and her doctor says if she continues improving, he is going to release her on Tuesday. Is that the information you need?"
The woman said, "Yes, it’s wonderful news that she's going home on Tuesday. I'm so happy."
The manager then asked, "From your excitement, you must be one of Mrs Levy’s close family."
She says, "What close family? I am Rifka Levy. My doctor won’t tell me anything.”

Source: Multiple sources  

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"Doctor!" said the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an opthalmologist?"
"No," replied the patient, "just spots."    

Jacob says to his doctor, "Doctor, my wife needs an appendix operation."
His doctor says, "But I took out your wife’s appendix only a year ago. I’ve never heard of a second appendix?"
Jacob replies, "Maybe doctor, but have you ever heard of a second wife?"

Source: Multiple sources  

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Shlomo goes to Doctor Lewis for a check up.
After extensive tests Doctor Lewis tells him, "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
Shlomo is dumbstruck. After a while he replies, "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill."
"Ok," says Doctor Lewis, "I'll give you a year to live."

---

Bernard thinks he has a medical problem and goes to see Doctor Myers about it.
When he gets there, Bernard says, "Docta, Docta, I've got a problem. Every time I eat beets, I sh*t beets. Every time I eat carrots, I sh*t carrots and every time I eat potatoes, I sh*t potatoes. Docta, Docta, you’ve got to help me. I’m so worried - vot should I do?"
Doctor Myers immediately answers, "So, eat sh*t "

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A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air.
A psychotic is one who lives in it.
A psychiatrist is the one who collects the rent!

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The painless invention

The time had arrived for Moshe to take his Leah to hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor told them that he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than Moshe had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, Moshe felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. Moshe was still feeling fine. The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
Moshe continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out Leah considerably, Moshe encouraged the doctor to transfer aLL the pain to him. Leah delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
Leah and Moshe were ecstatic. When they got home, they found their milkman dead at their front door.

Source: Multiple sources  

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Empathy

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of interns.
"As you  can see the patient is limping because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael,  what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," said the intern, "I suppose I'd limp too."    

PATIENT: doctor doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!  DOCTOR: Just a Minute.    

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........
and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

A man leans over to the lady next to him in a dark restaurant and asks,"Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"
The lady replies,"Before you tell me that joke you should know that I'm blonde,6 feet tall and a champion body builder,and the lady sitting next to me is blonde,6'2",and a professional wrestler,and the woman next to her is blonde,6'5",and kick boxing champion of the world."
"So do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
He thought about it for a moment and said, "Nah,not if I'm gonna' have to explain it three times."

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

A blonde Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months… box said '2-4 years!'

A blonde tried to go water skiing…couldn't find a lake with a slope.

A blonde lost breast stroke swimming competition…learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

A  blonde  goes  to  the  doctor  and  says  "Doctor,  it  hurts  when  I  do  this",  and  raises  her  arm. 
"Well,  don't  do  it  then",  says  the  doctor.    

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A middle aged blonde decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the blonde says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
She replies, "I guess about 29."
The blonde replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you!."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of blonde. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said,” Okay, okay,...how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the blonde says, "That was incredible,...how could you tell?"
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"No", she said.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

---

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

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The blonde bombshell

There were three people in an airplane. one throws out a banana, another throws an apple, and the last throws a grenade. They get out of the plane and go for a walk.
First they came upon a boy who was crying because a banana fell out of the sky and killed his dog.
Next they came upon a girl who was crying because an apple fell out of the sky and killed her cat.
Finally, they came upon a blonde who was laughing her *** off. They asked her why she was laughing so hard, and she replied, "Well, I farted, and the building behind me blew up!"

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RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'

Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: What do toys and your wife's breasts have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids but end up in the wrong hands.

Q: How do you know when your wife is going to say something intelligent?
A: When her first words are, "My husband once told me....."

Q: Why does the pope still thinks he's always right?
A: Because he has no wife to change his mind.

Q: What's the difference between your husband and a condom?
A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

Q: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
A: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

Q: Why do only 10 percent of husbands make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.

Q: Why can't your husband get mad cow disease?
A: Because he is a pig.

Q: Why is it difficult to find a husband who is sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: What do toilet seats, anniversaries and birthdays have in common? A: Husbands miss all of them!

I promised that I would buy my wife a Jaguar for her birthday this year. It should now be ready to give to her.
I think not feeding it for 3 weeks should do the trick.

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm but she said that she doesn't like to call me at work.

If your wife complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.. Take her to the Gas Station.

Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you." Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Wife: Why are you home so early? Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

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Pain

Most women say that there is nothing as painful as giving birth!
But what about a kick in the balls?
After awhile, a woman may say: "Why don't we have another baby?"
But have you ever heard a man say: "Alright, why don't you kick me in the balls one more time?"

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Insurance

An Insurance Assesor is at a wedding reception, and asks the bride; "So this is your fourth husband?", "Yes, that's right", she replied.
"Can I ask what happened to your first husband?". "Oh, very sad, he died quite suddenly".
"Oh, I aM sorry, what happened?". "He unfortunately ate some poisoned mushrooms and passed away. The insurance paid out, of course, but it can never really compensate".
"That's terrible, what happened to the second husband?". "Another tragic case, he too, ate some poisoned mushrooms and passed away. The money didn't compensate for his loss".  
By now, the Assessor was very suspicious, and asked; "Did your third husband die from ingesting poisoned mushrooms?".
"Oh no", she stated, "He died from a fractured skull!".
"My word, I AM VERY sorry... How did he get that?". "Well, he wouldn't eat the mushrooms!!!"

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Better than deaf

The officer asks, "Did you know your wife fell out of your car a kilometre back?".
A smile creeps onto the man's face and he exclaims, "Thank God! I thought I was going deaf!"    

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Love Bites

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
The wife said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting..”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later the wife said: “Then you used to kiss me..”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck…”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked..
“To get my teeth!”

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Poison Love

A worried man goes to see his priest. "Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow,  then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man comes to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison".    

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Lucky Man

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.
One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we  ost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What dear?" she  asked gently. "I think you're bad luck."

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Men Strike Back

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

Men vs Women

Men vs Womenr

Image source: photobucket.com

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Men’s Rules for Women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question...
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see only in 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping....
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!

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Wishing  Well

A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.
The guy says, "Wow, it really works."

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Payday

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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Poison Love

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a gal from Teton, Idaho. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, weeds chopped, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

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Poison Love

A worried man goes to see his priest. "Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow,  then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man comes to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison".    

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Lucky Man

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.
One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we  ost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What dear?" she  asked gently. "I think you're bad luck."

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Men Are Just Happier People.

  • What do you expect from such simple creatures?
• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is "just too icky".
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
• No wonder men are happier.

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CREATION

  A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!