Lincoln was shot at Ford's Theater. John F. Kennedy was shot in a Ford Lincoln. Gerald Ford was shot at, but they missed.
The United States is historically remarkable for being the first nation with obese poor people.
The world's funniest joke is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research.
From the television show Monty Python's Flying Circus.
During World War II, Ernest Scribbler, a British "manufacturer of jokes" (Michael Palin), creates "the funniest joke in the world" and promptly dies laughing. His mother (Eric Idle) reads the joke, at first believing it to be a suicide note, and also dies laughing. A Scotland Yard inspector (Graham Chapman) retrieves the joke, but despite the playing of somber music on gramophone records and the chanting of laments by fellow policemen to create a depressing mood, also dies laughing.
The British Army test the joke on Salisbury Plain, then translate it into German. Each translator only translates one word of the joke, so as not to be killed by reading the whole joke. One of them saw two words of the joke and had to spend a few weeks in hospital. This German version is said to be "over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke", a reference to Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain and the Munich Agreement. The nonsensical German translation is used for the first time on 8 July 1944 in the Ardennes, causing German soldiers to fall down dead from laughter:
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
(This "German" contains a number of nonsense words, and does not translate into anything meaningful.)
In the version of the sketch featured in And Now For Something Completely Different, another scene of the joke being used in open warfare is shown, with Tommies running through an open field amid artillery fire shouting the joke at the Germans, who die laughing in response. Afterward, a German field hospital is shown with Germans in blood-stained bandages, laughing incessantly.
In a following scene, a British officer from the Joke Brigade (Michael Palin) has been taken prisoner and is being interrogated and tortured by Nazi Gestapo officers. The torturing is completely benign, the interrogator fake-slapping him, and another officer clapping his hands to make the slap noise, but the prisoner is eventually persuaded to recite the joke after being tickled. One of the Nazi officers (Graham Chapman) erupts in laughter and dies. The second (John Cleese) retorts "Zat's not funny!" but then he too starts to giggle hysterically before falling down dead. Another captor (Terry Gilliam) notices the two deceased officers and points his gun at Palin, who recites the joke to the captor, who is also killed by the joke.
The Germans attempt counter-jokes. Eventually their best joke is used in action ("There were zwei peanuts, walking down the straße, und one was a salted... peanut"), but proves in English to be hopelessly bad. The British joke is laid to rest when "peace broke out" at the end of the war as countries agree to a Joke Warfare ban at the Geneva convention. The last paper copy of the joke is under a monument bearing the inscription "To the Unknown Joke"
. A story that ran for several weeks in the Sunday comics of Li'l Abner during 1967 concerned the creation of a joke, never actually revealed, that was so funny that anyone who heard it immediately died laughing. For safety reasons, government agents somehow decided to keep the joke hidden in the protective custody of Abner Yokum. Meanwhile, comedian Bob Hope learns of the existence of this "Funniest Joke in the World", but not about its deadly effects, and decides that he wants to recite it on his next television show. He procures the joke from Abner, and the government agents learn of this development too late to prevent him from reading it on national television. It turns out, however, that before Bob Hope obtained the joke from him, Abner had read the joke, not understood it, and substituted his own favourite joke. It is this joke that Bob Hope reads on the air, to no harmful effect whatsoever.
Source: en.wikipedia.org: The Funniest Joke in the World
A blonde went to see her doctor and said: "Please help me, Doc, I can't stop passing gas."
"How long have you had this problem?" Ask the doctor. The blonde answered: "It has been three days and it happens quite often, Doc. As a matter of fact, I have broken wind five times since I sat on this chair. Thank goodness they make no sound and do not stink, otherwise I'd be so embarrassed, and I'd rather die."
The doctor examined the patient, gave her a prescription and told her to come back in one week.
The blonde came back a week later and complained: "The pills you gave me didn't work at all, Doc, and the problem is getting worse.
I am still passing gases as often. Although they are still silent but they now stink. Please tell me honestly whether you can help me, Doc?"
"Of course I can help you," replied the doctor. He wrote another prescription and said: "Contrary to what you think, the pills I gave you worked very well. Now take this second medication and come back next week."
Questions: What is the logical explanation for the doctor's conclusion that the first medication works and what is the second medication for?
Answer: The first medication did clear the blonde's sinus condition and restore her sense of smell.
The second medication is for her hearing problem.
A woman at the wine club says to her husband, "I've just made a silent fart, what do you think I should do, dear?"
The husband replies, "Get a new battery for your hearing aid!"
There were three people in an airplane. one throws out a banana, another throws an apple, and the last throws a grenade. They get out of the plane and go for a walk.
First they came upon a boy who was crying because a banana fell out of the sky and killed his dog.
Next they came upon a girl who was crying because an apple fell out of the sky and killed her cat.
Finally, they came upon a blonde who was laughing her *** off. They asked her why she was laughing so hard, and she replied, "Well, I farted, and the building behind me blew up!"
The lookout sees a pirate ship sailing their way.
The captain shouts to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt !"
The first mate brings the red shirt and the captain puts it on.
And when the pirates try to board, the brave captain leads his men to victory.
A few days later, the lookout screams, "Two pirate ships !"
The crew is shivering like scared mice.
But the courageous captain hollers, "Bring me my red shirt !"
After the battle, the first mate asks,
"Captain, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replies, "So that if I am stabbed, you will not see me bleed."
The next morning the lookout screams, "10 pirate ships! We are surrounded !"
The crew goes silent. They all look to their brave captain,
waiting for his usual command.
Calm as ever, the captain bellows................."Bring me my brown pants !"
Image source: media.photobucket.com
This is subtle, sophisticated baseball joke.
One day, Ted Williams (batting average of .344) is hanging around at Fenway Park.
And this horse walks up and says, "I want to play for the Sox ..."
So, Ted's like, "Okay, what can you do?"
And the horse says, "I can hit just like you, only a whole lot better".
So he picks up a bat with his teeth and Ted's like, "Okay".
And he throws him a few and sure enough ... gone, gone, ... into the bleachers.
So, Ted's like, "What else can you do?"
And the horse says, "Well, I can play shortstop".
So Ted hits him a few ground balls and sure enough ...
The horse is a vacuum cleaner.
So Ted's like, "can you pitch?"
And the horse just looks at him and say, "Pitch?"
"Who ever heard of a horse pitching?"
A little town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles but they could get a cow from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream and everybody loved this cow. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and said, "Ok, why did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister... a married man, experienced..for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"
The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it.
Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........
and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"
A man leans over to the lady next to him in a dark restaurant and asks,"Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"
The lady replies,"Before you tell me that joke you should know that I'm blonde,6 feet tall and a champion body builder,and the lady sitting next to me is blonde,6'2",and a professional wrestler,and the woman next to her is blonde,6'5",and kick boxing champion of the world."
"So do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
He thought about it for a moment and said, "Nah,not if I'm gonna' have to explain it three times."
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
A blonde Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months… box said '2-4 years!'
A blonde tried to go water skiing…couldn't find a lake with a slope.
A blonde lost breast stroke swimming competition…learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: What do toys and your wife's breasts have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids but end up in the wrong hands.
Q: How do you know when your wife is going to say something intelligent?
A: When her first words are, "My husband once told me....."
Q: Why does the pope still thinks he's always right?
A: Because he has no wife to change his mind.
Q: What's the difference between your husband and a condom?
A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Q: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
A: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Q: Why do only 10 percent of husbands make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
Q: Why can't your husband get mad cow disease?
A: Because he is a pig.
Q: Why is it difficult to find a husband who is sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.
Q: What do toilet seats, anniversaries and birthdays have in common? A: Husbands miss all of them!
I promised that I would buy my wife a Jaguar for her birthday this year. It should now be ready to give to her.
I think not feeding it for 3 weeks should do the trick.
I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm but she said that she doesn't like to call me at work.
If your wife complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.. Take her to the Gas Station.
Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you." Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Wife: Why are you home so early? Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
The wife said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting..”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later the wife said: “Then you used to kiss me..”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck…”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked..
“To get my teeth!”
What did the dwarf say when asked for five schillings?
“Apologies, I’m a trifle short”. (British version)
What did the midget say when I asked him for a dollar?
"Sorry, I'm a little short". (American version)
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
The key to writing midget jokes is keeping them short.
Why do midgets always laugh when playing soccer?
The grass tickles their balls.!
What do you call a poor midget?
Why shouldn't you hire a midget chef?
The steaks are too high.
What did the doctor say to the midget?
You just have to be a little patient.
Why are most midgets good guys?
Because they don't look down on people.
Short people are oppressed.
They’re always getting overlooked.
I was walking down the street yesterday when I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf.
I don’t know how anyone could stoop so low.
A guy is standing on the bathroom scales desperately sucking in his stomach.
“That’s not going to help,” says his wife.
“Yes,it will,” replies the man. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller.
How do you seduce a fat woman?
Piece of cake.
Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.
My boyfriend hates it when I make jokes about his weight.
He needs to lighten up.
Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year.
Only 13 to go.
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The hood asks the interpreter, "What did he say?"
The interpreter quickly says, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At the man's next appointment, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
Three hard of hearing dudes are standing on a street corner.
First hard of hearing dude says, "Brrrrr, it's windy!"
Second one says, "No...it's Thursday."
Third one says, "Me too, let's go get a drink."
A man tells his buddy, "I got a new hearing aid, the best money can buy. It's state of the art."
His buddy asks, "What kind is it?"
The man replies, "A quarter to twelve."
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he Was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
An old man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.
The doctor enters the examination room and says to the man, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR."
After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid.
The audiologist confirmed it. "How much do they cost?" he asked her.
"As you might expect," she said, "There's quite a wide range. They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Wow, the low end is lower than I would have ever guessed!" he said. "Let's see the $2.00 model."
The woman gave a knowing nod, and pulled it out of the closest drawer. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," she said.
"How does it work?" the man asked.
"Oh now, come on! For $2.00 it doesn't work!" she said.
"I don't understand," the man said, but the woman had heard that before.
"When people see it on you," she said, "they know to talk louder."
The doctor gave me some medicine for my hearing loss and told me to put two drops a day in my beer.
I've been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven't noticed any improvement.